Broken Butterfly | SOWERS Lifestories

I don’t even remember how old I was when that guy first touched me. When he touched me in places he wasn’t supposed to. I remember only a few scenes of that time. I think based on the house we were in at the time (we stayed in many rented houses for quite a long time), I was probably in the second or third standard. He told me it was normal. I believed it was normal. My parents were too busy trying to keep our family of five afloat to notice anything. Or maybe too naive to believe such people existed. The saddest part is, he continued to live in my own place and did what he did until I started running away from him. He still works for us. I could never muster the courage to tell my people about him. He has his own family now. The only thing I am glad about is that his kids do not have breasts or a vagina!

My parents had a music and a Prashad tender in a temple. So, till third grade, after school, I hung out there more number of times than I can remember. A guy pasted his lips on me, patted my back and sent me away with a smile. One guy took me to the restroom, masturbated right in front of me and sent me out asking me not to tell my parents anything. I obeyed, of course. All this happened in a temple, by people who worked for and believed in god. My parents had no clue; have no clue about it even now.

None of the above instances are the cause of why I am depressed today. After June 2018, I realised a deeper truth. The truth is that it is not the instances that made me depressed, but, it is the interpretation of those instances, the perception of those instances, the way they shaped my thinking is what made me a depressed person. Not just today. But I realised that I have been depressed from ever since I can remember.  

Broken Butterfly

Fighter” is the only word that fits. No, she isn’t the depressed kind. She is energetic and colourful. It seemed to me that she loved life. Little did I know, she was struggling to keep her head above the water. She was plunging into the depth of despair, somehow, she found her way back to the surface.

Although I haven’t tried and tested this philosophy, but I’m beginning to believe that the happiest of faces carry the deepest voids of despair. You might never even know about these voids unless you are looking for them.

While at this point some may start doubting their own existence, some, live through such years hoping, “Perhaps, life will bring better days…”

So… I went out. I started having so-called relationships with guys where you try finding something that you don’t find in your home, and yeah, it felt good to have a boyfriend and stuff. But, see, you never trust anyone after a father-figure like that…

All my relationships, rather my so-called serious relationships got ruined because I would always ask them the same question. “You are not going to become my father, right?” And it became such that everybody would point back at me, saying that I don’t trust them. 

Anyways, coming to the present day, I don’t know how to un-see something, I don’t know how to ignore or un-hear something, I don’t know how not to get close to a person I am with and not let their invalidation affect me. So when I get close to somebody, I end up looking for their validation and I do everything according to their validation. I never respected myself and my opinions for anything. Because I always want to impress or go according to the other person’s opinions. 

 But, Why? because you are always taught, “girls, you are supposed to be good, you are supposed to be how others appreciate you, you are supposed to be how the other person accepts you.”

An intriguing fact about humanity is, people are the way they are because of something that happened to them, something that took place in the past.  Our early life experiences which largely seem buried deep within the subconscious, guide our conscious behaviours. We search in the present for what we didn’t have in the past. The portraits of the long-gone years come alive in the present. Human minds akin an ocean of unfathomable depths that knows no bounds of time.

Every one of us has a backstory. It is the ground substance of our personalities. The sooner we realize this, the better will we be able to understand the people around us. We often urge for acceptance and so we seek validation. Is this urge insignificant or overrated? No, the very need for acceptance and love is the epitome of what makes us human. We find joy in giving love as much as we find in receiving it. But others who aren’t familiar with our past often remain unsuccessful in comprehending our needs and eventually in interpreting our behaviours.

I know how it feels to be surrounded by everyone and still feel just as lonely. I know how it feels when the person whom you thought was your best friend all of a sudden starts ignoring you. And you beat yourself up thinking why he is ignoring you. You cry your heart out, you cry to such an extent that your head hurts, your eyes hurt and the only thing left to do is to sleep. It’s not that I want to be sad, even I want to be happy. In fact, I’m the happiest person, going around and making all kinds of stupid jokes. But people don’t realize that the person who makes all sort of stupid jokes and laughs around for the stupidest things are actually the ones who are going through a lot inside.

It just saddens me to see people committing suicide because even I tried that twice, thrice. But I couldn’t go through with it because of my mom. Out of all the things that she went through and did for us, no, it’s not fair on our parents for us to take our own lives.

Time and again we come across people who are too emotional, too sensitive and too fragile for this world. It is easy to label them “weak” in a heartbeat. Think of it in this way, these overthinking emotionally driven beings have the uncommon ability to feel everything so very deeply. A thorn prick hurts like an iron nail piercing their hearts. These hearts are sensitive and from it, tears burst forth like drops of blood.  They are emotionally aware, not only about themselves but also of ones they care about.  And if they have felt the pain themselves, they will go to great lengths not to ever make you feel the same. Their sensitivity is their strength and they can never hurt someone easily. Instead, they get hurt easily, repeatedly.

 Not everyone knows how it feels when the smallest of the things hurt you so bad. The smallest of the things become so big. There are people who say that I’m always sad, I always cry and that I’m depressed. That I make their life complicated. That’s the word they used – Complicated. They say I make things complicated for myself. They say I’m complicated. Maybe I am and trust me, I’m the person who goes through the most for that. And if you have chosen to come in, you need to understand that it is not that I want to be like this. You weren’t there when things happened in my life.

Don’t kill another person by saying, “you are complicated“, saying that”you are depressed“, saying that,” you are wrong” and that, “you are always low.” 

She endured hardships from an early life and things did not seem to get better. She met people who didn’t know her story and couldn’t empathize with what she felt.  She didn’t find what she was looking for in relationships and her friends often failed to understand her. Ending her life was something she considered, but the love of her mother held her back.

In spite of going through extraordinary hardships, what I can tell you of her is that she has been a fighter. When yielding to the waves seemed easy, she crawled up to the surface to catch her breath. She sought help that she needed. And ever since she hasn’t stopped working on herself. Although it is still hard and she often finds herself in pieces once in a while, she has learnt to pick herself up and adapt for the better. She aims high and is full of confidence. As she still fights her battles, here is a last piece of wisdom from her.

It is okay to feel bad, it is okay to feel low. If you want to cry, cry! Crying is not bad. It is your coping mechanism.

– Broken Butterfly

Sometimes things might feel like the end of the world. But they are not. Sometimes living on is a tougher choice than giving up. And there is a reason behind all emotions and reactions. Those reasons are gold worth mining for. You might know a person a lot less than you think! Embracing this fact and looking more keenly at the ones you love can change their life.