I thought it would last forever. We were together since 2014. I don’t even know when she started having second thoughts about me. I have a younger sister at home and I always feared for her security. Needless to say that I’m kind of protective, rather sometimes overprotective of the women in my life. Looking back now, my over-protection and my insecurities of her seem to be the only reason she could have walked away.
On days she wanted to go out with people and to places that weren’t safe, I asked her not to. When she insisted on travelling long distances alone, I told her that it wasn’t such a good idea. When she came in late, she saw my anger burning. Little did she know, it was my love. It was my yearning for her to be safe. It was my desire for her to choose an alternative whenever she could.
It’s not that I didn’t trust her capability of guarding herself. I know she can. It was not her that I didn’t trust, it was the people and circumstances. She left me, thinking I’m trying to dominate her and imposing my own wishes. She probably thought I would do that to an even greater extent if we ever reached the point of marriage.
I wanted her to know that I didn’t want her to fall in those circumstances, where she would have to show her strength. I wanted her to know that even the thought of it makes me shudder…
Did I remind you of a similar incident that happened in your life? Where you were left, without a chance to explain yourself?
I didn’t know he had been seeing her until last week, I walked in on them at the cafe. He was shocked and so was she. Nothing more needed to be said. I remember he once told me, “I have found a friend and a companion in you. You complete me. I don’t think I need anything more in my life.”
No, I wasn’t. He found someone better. She’s smarter, fun and of course beautiful. But didn’t being with her remind him of me even once? Didn’t it occur to him that he already has a girl…
Did it happen to you, when you spent nights crying, trying to figure out why did he leave you? Or, maybe your love story fell apart before taking shape. Did the days you spent dreaming end in a crash?
She was lovely, she was one of a kind. I tried not to look at her during lectures but often failed. I wanted to be her friend. I wanted to get to know her and someday woo her.
But she rejected me. She said,”that could never be.”
“Am I not worthy of her? It’s still hard to not look at her, but my heart aches over the thought of not having her. It would be easier to die.”
There’s no way around how heart piercing and painful romantic affairs can be. They break you as a person. Some heal, some don’t. But you see, that’s the point. Why do some heal and some don’t? Why do breakups, infidelity, and rejection drive some to the point of death and suicide?
Maybe you contemplated it too, but it is a blessing that you are still here. Although you did make the right decision, it must have felt sometimes, that you didn’t. It’s not easy to bear a wounded heart all around.
“Being someone’s everything”
Relationships hurt because “being someone’s everything” gives us the kind of self-worth we have never had before. We start looking at our own self with their eyes. We start thinking, feeling and agreeing to what they say about us. It makes us feel good and brings immense satisfaction. It gratifies us. We fall for them even more and give more of ourselves away in love. They seem perfect to us, even with all of their flaws. They become a priority and our deepest concern. We begin finding the reason and purpose of our existence in their love and validation. It should never be this way, but this is how we think.
But what happens when their truth unveiled. When the ‘perfection‘ shatters like glass. When the curtain covering their lies, schemes and their true motives is pulled away and you see their nakedness.
Some break and never heal…
In those moments does not your heartbreak, feeling, “Did he even love me, did I mean anything to him? and “Was I not enough?”, “She found someone better than me.” or “She said I’m not her type and we can never be together.”
If she doesn’t love me, what’s the point in living?
What do all these phrases mean? In a glimpse, the seemingly “true found self-worth” is gone. You look at yourself with his or her eyes again. What you see now are the inadequacies that made them leave you. That right there stripes you of your self-worth driving you to believe that there is no longer any point in living. Some people are never able to detach the meaning of their existence from the one they lost.
Some fix themselves up; they Heal!
Some heal, they too go through the excruciatingly painful realization that it wasn’t ‘love’. Not really. But what they do differently is that they look at themselves, not through their partner’s eyes. But with their own.
They see that they remained faithful in-spite of having several alternatives. They see how much they could give to a person who didn’t deserve it. They see how they could love, passionately. And what a blessing it is to have loved.
They see their partners’ rejection as a reflection of his/her own character, not theirs. They see how horribly their partner failed to acknowledge their love. They see their own uniqueness and how much more they deserved. And that sets them free. They don’t need someone to tell them of their worth. They know their worth. This is also what carries them through the pain and still be hopeful.
Your world came crashing down. She rejected you. You were wrecked probably because you spent days, weeks and probably months hoping of the opposite.
But hey? think of this; what happens when you get rejected for a wonderful job opportunity? Say, it was your dream job. Would you grieve over it for months and lose interest in working altogether? No, you will you go out and find another one. Perhaps, the other one would make you happier than the first one ever could.
Her rejection sure doesn’t mean that your purpose of living altogether is over. While it may mean that you don’t have something she is looking for, but believe me, you may have something that someone out there is exactly looking for!
It’s time to look at it in a new way
Maybe, you have been doing things differently; going back over and over again to what might have gone wrong. It has gained you only heartache and deprived you of the reason to go on. Let me tell you that you may not find the reasons unless you let go and most importantly look at yourself with your own eyes.
Wear your scars with pride. You have nothing to be ashamed of. They may tell you that you wronged them. Let them, they need someone to take the blame for what they did. Don’t lose your worth to them. Find it, hold on to it.
You should be proud of yourself. I am.
Also, read this little poetry If you May!🙂